7 “Beers”

Will Chase

I have 7 “beers” that need a good home. I use the term “beer” euphemistically, since we’re talking about Keystone Light here.

How did I end up with 7 (an admittedly odd number) Keystone Lights? Well, we use them for Fizzball, a game I play with my friends which is just like baseball, except that you replace the traditional baseball with a full beer. And you don’t run anywhere. According to our extensive tests, it tends to work best if the beer is a) warm, and b) well shaken before pitching it to the batter. It also helps to play wearing a TyVek suit, or naked. Really.

We’ve also found that Keystone Light is the best “beer” to use for Fizzball. We’ve attributed this to their “special” can that they market as providing a better tasting beer, which we think is complete bullshit, but one thing we do know is that it makes for the greatest distance-to-swing ratio for our batters. Plus, it’s damn cheap, and frankly we’d rather smash it spewing all over ourselves and our friends than actually drink it.

Which brings me to where I am today:

In anticipation of a 4th of July weekend camping trip to the remote Nevada desert (if I told you where, I’d have to kill you) last week, I bought a case of Keystone for our Fizzball game. But as things happen, my best friend didn’t show up, and he was the one who was supposed to bring the bat. So, in an act of desperation brought on by a dwindling beer supply, we turned haltingly to our stockpile of Keystone Light. And we succumbed.

By the time we got down to 7 remaining, we just couldn’t do it anymore, and we just packed them up and brought them home.

So this is where you come in. I have 7 Keystone Light “beers” here at my flat in the Haight, and I’m loathe to just throw them out. I know somebody out there might actually drink this crap. If that’s you, send me an email, and we can arrange for you to pick them up.

You’ll need to provide your own bat.

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