Ooey Gooey Crunchy Gutter Snacks

Snack #2: No Sir, I'm No Sucker

I'm OK, You're OK OK, it dawned on me, after re-reading Snack #1, that I've been harping pretty badly about being unemployed. It must be a real drag to read, unless it happens to perk you up because it makes your life look rich and fulfilling in comparison. I'm glad to provide that service. It's the kind of guy I am. Wouldn't you want to hire a guy like that?

Everything's Phallic You know, Freud was a real kick in the pants. I would sit and listen to my teachers and professors ramble on about his psychoanalytical methodology, and then I'd start analyzing everything I did, said, thought, looked at, felt, you name it, to the point where I thought I was going to go completely bonkers, thinking I was some kind of sexual deviant because everything I did, said, thought, looked at, felt, you name it, was somehow related to SEX!!! Reading too much Freud is a good way to go completely bonkers. Part of my love/hate relationship with Freud revolves around his use of metaphor to really bring his ideas to life. In "The Origin of Psychoanalysis," Freud was kicking around some theories about American attitudes towards sex, in comparison with relatively "open" European ones. He said "Men ... do not show their sexuality freely, but they wear a thick overcoat -- a fabric of lies -- to conceal it, as though it were bad weather in the world of sex. And they are not wrong; sun and wind are not favorable in our civilized society to any demonstration of sex life." Is this guy a kick in the pants or what? Anyway, as a service to Gutter Snacks readers, I will be presenting an updated Sexual Weather Report in each Snack. I hope it helps you out in choosing your sexual adventures from week to week, whatever you perverts do. I'll even help you choose your wardrobe ... whether you should be wearing a fabric of lies, or just a slicker. Consider it a public service, from me to you.

The Morning Mental Warm-Up

I had a roommate who was a salesman for a large long-distance company, which I won't name. He went to a Tom Hopkins motivational seminar one day (I'm sure he was placed in it by Sprint, as they try to eke out every last drop of productivity from their people), and he returned with the "Tom Hopkins Morning Mental Warm-Up" card.

It's plastic, with green writing on a white background. It's got a hole in it, like a "Do Not Disturb" sign from a hotel, so you can hang it on your doorknob. To this day I still can't figure out the color scheme ... is it motivational, or is it just the color of money?

My roommate thought it unecessary to tell me about it, but instead decided to surprise me by hanging it up in our shower so that I, too, could dwell upon Tom Hopkins' divine wisdom in my early-morning bleary-eyed stupor.

Most people take Tom at his word, but not me. No sir, I'm no sucker.

The Tom Hopkins Morning Mental Warm-Up
What It Says	What It Means
I will win. Why? I'll tell you why -- because I have faith, courage and enthusiasm.	I am a loser.
Today, I'll meet the right people in the right place at the right time for the betterment of all.	I'd sell swampland to my grandmother.
I see opportunity in every challenge.	I'm ruthless.
I'm terrific at remembering names.	I'm shallow.
When I fail, I look at what I did right, not at what I did wrong.	I spend a lot of time looking for what I did right.
I have clearly defined goals.	Somebody please tell me what I'm supposed to be doing.
I never take advice from anyone more messed up than I am.	I never take advice from anyone.
I never let a negative thought enter my head.	I am lying.
I am a winner, a contributor, an achiever. I believe in me.	I am a selfish bastard.

My Morning Mental Warm-Up

"I more than likely deserve everything I get."

Tack that to your shower head, and watch the world of opportunity unfold before you.

Back to Prison
Readers of Snack #1 have been asking me about my stay in prison. OK, here's why I was in prison. I was at UC Berkeley, and the US Government did something really stupid (what else is new) in a small Central American country (I'd tell you which one, but for the life of me, I can't remember), and I went out with tons of other people and protested in front of the Federal Building in San Francisco.

Now, to the best of my knowledge, I was really pissed off at whatever the stupid thing the US Government had done, because if I protested every stupid thing the US Government does, I'd be a very busy man.

Anyway, I got thrown in jail. All and all, it was pretty scary, but there was this nutcase in the paddy wagon with me who did a great Ronald Reagan imitation, which more or less kept me from soiling my shorts on the way to jail.

It dawned on me, after a few more protests at UC Berkeley and other places, that protesters are made up of two distinct groups: 1) people who give a shit and 2) people who don't give a shit. The people in the first category are generally nuts, while the people in the second category are generally anti-social punks who merely want an excuse to do violence. These are the people that turn over newspaper vending machines to "make a point."

Then it dawned on me that I fit in neither of these categories, and went my merry way in category 3) I don't care.

Oh, and in case you're curious, prison is boring. Plain old boring.

I have a Lovely Girlfriend

My girlfriend read Snack #1, and said to me "you didn't mention me," which was a surprise, because I had figured that she wouldn't want to be publicly associated with what the world will clearly think is a completely neurotic nutcase. Of course, she knows better (and the sooner you learn that, my friends, the more pleasant your life will be).

So, I have a girlfriend. She's great. More about her later.