Ooey Gooey Crunchy Gutter Snacks

Snack #3: Stuffin' the Jock

People Crazier Than Me You know, the more I cruise around the web, the wackier it seems to get. Just when you thought you saw it all, you learn about Steve Mann. Now, here's a guy that's really wacked. He took the web where it was probably never meant to realistically go. Steve straps a video camera on his head, then feeds its data into the Internet on a fairly regular basis. I'm not joking about this, honest to God. In fact, that's a picture of him right there, in all his glory. So, if you thought I was nuts, just think again. To prove that I'm not making this up, here's his (you'd better come back here when you're done) web site Personally, I was surfer #3,928 to see the world from Steve's eyes, which is scary enough in itself. It was a positively riviting experience, I assure you. I saw Steve's view of a candy vending machine. Tell you what I'm going to do ... I'm going to make an effort to go out on the web and find the craziest people I can possibly find, and share them with you. Yet another public service from me to you. By the way, the title of this section contains a grammatical error. $5 to the person who can figure it out without cheating. Cheating includes using your brain.

The Sexual Weather Report Which, of course, brings me to the Sexual Weather Report for Snack #3. We're looking at partly cloudy foreplay, with a chance of clearing through the oral intercourse. And, judging by that high pressure system moving in from the south, I think we'll see it heat up to record temperatures as we move through the coital period. But I'd carry a raincoat ... just to be safe.

Access Denied

I had what I thought was a pretty funny joke here, then I realized it was kind of offensive and tasteless, and, well ... I don't want people to think of me that way anymore, so I pulled it. Can I get into heaven now?

The Letter I

The letter I is up for grabs at the New York Stock Exchange. It belonged to First Interstate, which got bought by Wells Fargo ... so now it's available. Traditionally, companies that have single-letter names on the NYSE have done really well, because they're the easiest to find in the stock pages. It's kinda like calling your company AAAA Painting, or Aardvark Plumbing so you're the first company that yellow page trollers stumble upon. Since the average American consumer is inherently lazy, they just go right ahead and suck into the easiest available option.

Why do you think Dan Quayle's even alive right now, let alone an elected official?

Anyway, I propose you and I start a company right now ... it doesn't matter what we do or make ... and give it a name that starts with I. We'll be freaking millionaires. How about something really compelling like "Ignorance, Inc."? We could be Dan Quayle's re-election committee.

Which he did. About 4 years after I worked there, my mom sent me a newspaper article saying this guy was arrested for selling antiques stolen from Brown University (he apparently knew it was stolen) ... and attatched a cute little mom note asking "Didn't you work for him, honey?" At that point, I took Aardvark Antiques off my resumé, because I didn't think it showed good judgement on my part, working for a sleazebag who ended up in prison.

The weirdest thing about hauling around statues of Roman goddesses is that you usually have to handle them by the breasts, since it's more or less the most convenient place to hold them. We also had to haul around big heavy antique stained glass doors, which had no breasts, and were thus very difficult to carry.

Mormons are Wacky

OK, lately my friends and I have been debating incessantly about the mating habits of Mormons. Yes, we sit around talking about these things ... my friends don't give up a subject until things get good and settled. Anyway, my girlfriend believes Mormons get married in the nude. Others believe they wear "special undergarments". We've polled everybody we know who might have even the faintest clue, and we still haven't gotten a definitive answer. If you know one way or another, please let me know, and we'll be able to move on to more pressing topics.

We do agree, however, that Mormons believe that when they die, they get to inhabit their very own planet. How wacky is that?

So, here's this religion that goes along being pretty normal all in all (I mean, they're not eating their young or anything) and all of a sudden, when you're not paying attention, they haul off and start believing they'll end up the rulers of their own planets. Whaddya know about that? (Rhetorical question.)

I also understand that the wives of polygamist Mormons actually make appointments to have sex with their husbands. Now that's a religion.

Since You Brought It Up .... My mom had, and still has, her own religion, which was routinely pounded into my head throughout my life. It was rooted in her own experience, and it manifested itself in a wide variety of nifty catch phrases, which still stay with me to this day. "The power of positive thinking." "I am sound in mind, body and soul." "Cause and effect ... cause and effect." These and others were dutifully and regularly administered when and where needed. Did I mention that I've been in prison?