| There's More To Life Than An Unemployment Check In case you were under the impression that Ooey Gooey Crunchy Gutter Snacks was no more than a self-absorbed unemployment rant, I'm afraid you're sadly mistaken. In fact, I've got a job now. That's right, a job. I wake up every morning with a feeling of purpose and import, knowing that I have value to give to the world other than mere carbon dioxide. I have a "To Do" list. I'm making things happen, rather than just pulling my pud all day in front of horrendously bad talk shows. Actually, I learned a lot from watching talk shows that kept me quite upbeat during my little stint as an unemployed slob. In particular, I learned that I'm a perfectly well-adjusted human being. If you ever have a hankerin' to dig into the rawest underbelly of American culture, play hookie some day and catch The Richard Bey Show. Richard Bey can be best described as a cultural criminal. For instance, in a show about the relative merits of large (read: huge) breasts and small (read: normal) breasts, he sent the guests (adorned in tube tops) on a hippity-hop race around his studio. He had a "Dating Game"-style show where one of the contestants was a sheep. He had a "Queen of the Trailer Park" contest. Well, I guess that as long as there are nutcases willing to show up at his studio, you can't really blame the guy for turning the camera on. Even though I have a job now, I promise that I will continue to be just as neurotic, disturbed, twisted and, yes ... self-absorbed as when I was a loser. |
Just to prove how much of a loser I was when I was unemployed, I'll share one of my projects with you. You're not going to believe this.
I spent a good half a day in early February analyzing anagrams of the Republican Presidential Candidates' names. Why? Because I was being a loser. Also, I had a sneaking suspicion that this exercise might shed light on the candidates. Here's what I found:
Robert Dole: The best anagram I could find for "Robert Dole" was "debtor role." It seems to me that America's in plenty of debt already, without having a leader whose name goes and spells it out to the rest of the world.
Pat Buchanan: Pat's name, with a little effort, will give you "chap ban aunt." For all he talks about family values, this surely is a startling revelation. Pat's well known for his firm stance on some pretty shakey ground, and this is definitely given credence when you scramble a bit more to get "chap ban tuna." I kinda like tuna. Of course, this says nothing about the fact that the man's just completely insane.
Phil Gramm: You know what? Phil Gramm doesn't work out to much of anything except "Phil Gramm." Go figure.
Lamar Alexander: Hard to get anything workable out of Lamar's name, except for "alexander alarm," which seems self-explanatory enough.
Steve Forbes: "Observe fest." Now we're getting somewhere. Vote for Steve, and it's party party party in America. Steve's our man! Actually, scramble a little more, and you get "observe verbose." I can't handle more long acceptance and State of the Union speeches, and I think America's with me on that.
Will Chase: I would run as a write-in candidate, but the best I could find for my own name is "lice shawl." My self-esteem is skyrocketing.
Anyway, Kurt didn't fall into the category of "People Who Merely Want Attention." Kurt definitely wanted to die, that's clear. Kurt's weapon of choice was a double-barrelled shotgun, and judging from his autopsy picture, he somehow managed to get both barrels off before his brain flicked into the "off" position.
One thing ya gotta say for Kurt ... he sure knew how to get it done without leaving much room for error.
If you want to see for yourself, go ahead, but I'll warn you that it ain't pretty. Kurt's Final Photo-op
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Something Else To Do When You're Bored If you're bored at work, lay down flat on your back on top of your desk, with your head hanging over the edge. Relax for a bit, focus on the ceiling, and then bit by bit, start to pretend you're walking on the ceiling. Imagine you have to step over all the stuff on the ceiling ... the light fixtures, the door jambs, everything. With a little practice, you can get really good at it, and eventually you'll totally freak yourself out, fully believing you're walking on the ceiling. If some jerk comes in and distracts you, scream wildly because there's this GUY WALKING ON THE CEILING! They'll more than likely leave you to yourself to continue walking around on the ceiling. I'm going to try this on the first day of my next new job, because I think it shows a spice for life.
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