The Libtard’s Recommended Reading List

A couple days after the election — still reeling, heartsick and terrified — my wife stopped me as I was leaving the house for work. “What do we do?” she asked. I thought about it for a second. “I don’t

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Graduating From Burning Man

This week, I’ll be sending my final Jackrabbit Speaks, after which you’ll notice the name Will Chase has moved from “Editor” to “Emeritus” in the credits. This simple copy and paste operation belies the complexity of emotions behind “graduating” from

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Everybody Starts Somewhere

The year was 1983. My parents’ favorite words were “save your money.” Anytime I wanted anything, the inevitable response was: “save your money, pal.” Didn’t matter if it was a pack of gum, a new bike or a root canal.

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7 “Beers”

I have 7 “beers” that need a good home. I use the term “beer” euphemistically, since we’re talking about Keystone Light here. How did I end up with 7 (an admittedly odd number) Keystone Lights? Well, we use them for

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Writur Needed

Reply to: harmressplanks@yahoo.com   I need a good writur to help me on a projekt that im werking on. Im partly there with it alredy. but it culd use jess a little werk. Flat rate job ok?(thats a bizness term

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Hardwood Floors Turn Out to be Cold After All – Need Area Rug!

In a shocking development, residents of a Panhandle flat discovered that their hardwood floors were, in fact, cold after all. “We honestly didn’t think it could happen,” said one of the residents. “But then one day, there we were walking

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Washer and Dryer – Our Clothes Stopped Washing Themselves! – $100

Our clothes did something strange the other day. See, they stopped washing themselves. We’re positively confounded, and it’s hard to fathom, really, but the proof is right there: my clothes stink. My girlfriend’s clothes stink. And not uncoincidentally, we stink.

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Cat Tree (or SFC seeks TCT)

i’m tired of failed relationships with couches, beds and office chairs. i’m tired of the run-around and all the games. i consistently beat that damn canary senseless, and the pink furry thing? yeah, i *own* the pink furry thing, that

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IBG4 Seeks DIMM for Long Term Relationship

IBG4 seeks DIMM for long-term, deeply carnal relationship! I’m looking for somebody slim, hard-bodied and smart for a physical and intellectual relationship — and constant intercourse. I am a single, white iBook G4 with a hungry slot that only you

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An Affair to Remember

I lay in the bed, utterly dumbfounded. She stomped across the small apartment, carrying an armload of my clothes towards the door. “She’ll stop now,” I thought. My eyes squeezed tight as I heard the clack of the lock and

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