Washer and Dryer – Our Clothes Stopped Washing Themselves! – $100

Will Chase

Our clothes did something strange the other day. See, they stopped washing themselves. We’re positively confounded, and it’s hard to fathom, really, but the proof is right there: my clothes stink. My girlfriend’s clothes stink. And not uncoincidentally, we stink.

We’re not entirely sure what to do, and we’ve discussed this in desperate earnest. We’ve decided we have no choice but to put out a plea to you, our friends on Craigslist. We consider you friends, and we hope you feel the same, what with all the time we’ve spent together over the years. You know, finding housing, bookshelves, a kitchen table, lousy dates with altogether dubious members of the (sometimes) opposite sex, and countless hours of entertainment on Best Of and Casual Encounters … oh, the times we’ve had. You’re like our second family, if families were people you never really saw in person, and laughed at.

So we feel like we can ask you this:

Got a washer or dryer? Better yet (getting greedy here, looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth), a washer AND dryer? We try so hard every day, trolling the Free listings, looking for those magical moments when somebody jettisons their washer and dryer, exiling it to some godforsaken sidewalk, and post on this venerable site, seeking for it a good home with people who don’t want to just throw kittens in the spin cycle. We assume.

But alas, our dreams are inevitably dashed against the rocks of fortune. Those lucky souls more fortunate (or with slightly less of a life) than ourselves … those early birds catching the worm, earning themselves a lifetime (warranty permitting) of clean, warm clothes, without having to mule their entire wardrobe down to the local Laundromat (ours is much like being at the DMV, only with clothes spinning around in big metal machines). I’m sure scoring one of those freebies must feel like winning the lottery, and having that big dumb van show up at your door and they parade those silly banners and balloons in your face while the camera bulbs flash on the big honkin’ check that says 1 bazillion dollars. But I don’t know. We’ve never won this particular lottery. And so we turn to you …

If you could find it in your heart, when it comes time to release your washer and dryer into the wild, to think of us first — stinking and saddened — we would be so terribly grateful. Birds would sing and bees would buzz and a chorus of angels would herald the coming of a new day. Good karma and rock-star parking spots would assuredly be yours for at least a few weeks, I’m sure of it. The voices tell me so.

Please. Think of the children. Oh, and if it’s not too much to ask, they need to be gas, not electric. Think … of … the … children. Thank you.

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